One weekend nine years ago, I was on retreat at Holy Cross Monastery reading Family Heart, Robb Forman Dew’s loving memoir of her son’s coming out. Wondering about our 16-year-old son, Jonah, I had felt the book jump off the library shelf the week before. In the quiet of the monastery, Dew’s story helped give me the peace of knowing that if Jonah were gay, I could accept it.
Before dawn that Sunday morning while I was away, Jonah woke his father and came out to him. Of all the Sunday mornings in Bill’s long ministry, this one will stand forever apart. It was a day of love, anxiety, reassurance and questions. The two of them were waiting impatiently for me when I finally arrived home late in the afternoon.
It’s hard for me to imagine what else God could have done to prepare me for the news. Still, when Jonah told me, I felt the ground shift under my feet. It must be my fault, I immediately thought. Did he have a choice? How could we protect him? Who could I talk to? What would his life be like?
I didn’t know the answers, but three things I knew for sure: first, I had loved my son since before he was born; second, God made him and loves him, and third, nothing about him had changed. Now I knew something that had been there all along.
That day, our family began a journey that we share with tens of thousands of families in the Episcopal Church and millions of families across America -- the journey of discovery when someone in the family comes out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (GLBT). An estimated one in five families includes someone who is not heterosexual.
For us, it has been a journey of love, as we have unlearned the myths that still abound and discovered the joy of celebrating our son’s difference and all that he brings to our family and the world as a gay man. This journey has deepened our faith and opened new windows on the world.
Over time, we have found that coming out as parents to family, friends and our parish has brought a new freedom and helped us all grow. We have learned that straight family members and friends can bring understanding where there is misunderstanding. We have seen God’s love hold families together when disagreement and fear threaten to tear them apart.
Our experience gives us hope that the church family can stay together in love, and we can unlearn the myths we hold about each other. The church’s debate today is not abstract. It is about us and our children, siblings, parents and cousins. Straight clergy with GLBT family members have much to give the church at this time, and we hope to help families find their voices.
That’s why Bill and I have started CFLAG, Clergy Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. CFLAG is a national network of clergy families who share experiences and support. We are exploring ways to reach out across the church family, as we all seek new ways to remain one family under God. For more information, visit info@cflag.dioceseny.org.
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