I figured that it was possible for Alpha to truly be an open forum for the exploration of faith -- inviting sincere inquiry, doubts and questions. It seemed more likely that Alpha was a not-so-stealthy evangelism program designed to lure people into the church with promises of 21st century broad open-mindedness -- and then vigorously set about changing their minds. Still, it was free to sign up, and I decided that, even if I hated it, I really had nothing to lose. As I had done in many churches before, I simply wouldn't come back.
Some people have told me that they immediately felt at home their first night at Alpha. It took me a bit longer. I left after that first night feeling that Alpha might be everything it claimed, yet a bit unsure if I fit the Alpha mold. As the daughter of a Presbyterian minister, and with a Baptist pastor for a brother, I could pontificate on the Bible and theology until the cows came home, but I had long understood that I would not be "coming to Jesus." Did an avowed non-Christian have a place in a course that purported to be "an exploration of the Christian faith?''
I called my parents to see what they made of the situation. Outlining the first evening's talk for them, I paid particular attention to the points that I thought were unbelievable. I soon found myself deeper in conversation about the nature of Christianity than I had ever been before with the people who raised me and taught me how to pray. Maybe there was something to this Alpha thing.
For me, that something boiled down to faith. When I was a child, I decided that, even though there definitely was a God, the idea of someone rising from the dead simply was illogical and unbelievable. Since then, I approached organized religion as something to be intellectually critiqued and either deemed acceptable or insufficient. The fundamental question of faith to me was whether or not you honestly believed there was enough objective evidence to support your particular religious viewpoint. As I went in and out of churches (and religions) over the years, my seeking always came down to the same question: Did all of this really happen?
Over the years, I have known many wonderful people whose lives are an expression of their faith. Still, it was Alpha that opened a window to me of what it means to be a person of faith.
Through the stories of the people in my table group and a number of discussions lasting late into the night, I realized that the question of faith was much more than a simple acceptance or rejection of fact. Faith is a relationship, an experience to be felt and practiced. I realized I was looking outside for "evidence" to support faith, when the opportunity to experience faith was all around me. The question I now ask myself is: How do I feel and relate to God in my life?
This is not to say that I'm the subject of any lightening-bolt conversion or that I ever expect to be. Rather, I have learned to explore faith on a deeper level than I knew before. Before, I scurried around wondering whether I packed the right provisions in my bags. Now I feel that I have actually started the journey. Like all good journeys, I have no idea what I'll find along the way. I am reminded of a saying I heard at my church: "We move in search of God."
